I was just reading one of Derek Siver’s blogs (http://sivers.org/freedom), and it got me asking myself some questions and thinking. The question that stuck in my mind….well, the final one I sort of landed on after a bit of thinking. (One thought or question, leading to another one, and another one, and another one….and not really thinking too hard on one question or another…).
Anyway….I stopped sort of short when I came to this one:
“What do I want to do then?”
And….I’m not sure I have a real answer anymore. Or a realistic one is maybe a better way to say it? It feels like when I was a kid, and someone would ask you what you wanted to be, and you’d say things like cowboy, astronaut, rock star…. and the older you get, the more absurd those things sound coming out of your mouth. (Unless you really want to be a cowboy and look into going to work on a farm…..sort of thing)
…I really have to say, I’m not sure if this is going to make any sense.
Anyway….rockstar, the idea of that say, even into my 20’s was a ridiculous thing to think. It wasn’t solid. So I started thinking…. working musician….ok, that made more sense. Even then….. That is a broad type of thing. “working musician”.
It’s late…I’m not sure I know what I’m talking about here.
What do I want to do?
What I started thinking was….I should really start thinking about this, call it meditating, call it creative visualization…. something. I have a foggy view of the whole thing. It’s become more than musician. That in a way, is an easy goal… (That is to say…it’s easy to sort of visualize, if that makes sense.) But I’m not sure I want to be just a musician. (Not ‘just’ a musician…..maybe I mean, solely and only a musician.)
And here’s another part of it. It’s kind of terrifying… this sort of, jumping into life, and thinking or maintaining that yah, I don’t want to have a ‘job’. (Not that I don’t want to work….I just don’t want to really work for someone else.) But even that’s not totally true….I’m done with companies……or perhaps the greed. The never ending want.
I think it’s that greed and want that makes me sort of doubt what I want to do now. It’s hard to just live your life simply when everything around you, and almost all of your upbringing tells you that you have to make as much money as possible, smell like this, dress like that, buy this…buy that…. just buy stuff.
A lot of the musicians I know don’t seem interested in actually playing their music to people…. but more concerned with where they’re playing their music, and on what day and how much money their making.
Don’t get me wrong….I like making money, and I like buying stuff… (Ask my girlfriend…she will tell you that I like buying stuff…much to her dismay.)
So getting back to the what do I want to do….? I don’t seem to have a single sort of simple answer to give anymore. And I don’t think I want one either. Maybe that’s it…. Q: What do you want to do? A: a LOT of things.
I started writing a lot of creative things….but I think I would put in a lot of interesting things.
Interesting to me I guess anyways.
So anyway…right now, what I have is this fuzzy sort of image of what I want to be doing….and it’s driving me nuts trying to clear it up and get there.